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Adult Birthday Party

Exactly what occurred to exactly what the couple wants instead of exactly what the household and buddies desire?

Question by Suzanne: What occurred to what the couple wants rather of what the friends and family want?
After checking out alot of insight and posts on wedding decorum, I have visited the conclusion that weddings for a lot of people have turned into children’s birthday parties. Its everything about entertaining the visitors and to heck with what the bride wants! If you wish to have a small personal wedding you are a terrible individual due to the fact that you are not welcoming the world and don’t even consider having a shower due to the fact that you are not welcoming the guests to the wedding A shower is expected to be a celebration with the new bride and an occasion to offer the couple gifts to help establish a family. I had many an individual visited my showers and bring a gift that knew they would not be on the guest list for whatever the reason however they came with happy hearts and not because they anticipated anything in return! When it comes to letting individuals understand, you’re not expected to send statements to friend and family ahead of time if they’re not welcomed. I would much rather get a statement from somebody I knew prior to the reality stating that the wedding would be small and private but that they cared enough to want to let me understand they were marrying than get one after the fact saying we married but we didnt want to state anything about it up until it was over!

Finest response:

Response by Ashley D
A) The only people who think small personal weddings misbehave are selfish pricks. I’ve understood couples to have small weddings and their COMPLETELY SANE families were okay with it.

B) No, you do not welcome individuals to the shower that you aren’t inviting to the wedding, since then it makes them seem like all they are good for is gifts.

C) No, you do not send out announcements prior to hand since then people feel even worse if/when they do not really get invited to the wedding.

EDIT: D) In case I am checking out something wrong below, you just get a shower if someone throws one for you otherwise it appears like you are JUST doing it for the presents.

Know much better? Leave your own response in the remarks!

We went to a Christmas Party for our Next-door neighbor and had enjoyable vocal singing. Part 1.

Discussion

9 Responses to “Exactly what occurred to exactly what the couple wants instead of exactly what the household and buddies desire?”

  1. Most weddings I have been to have NOT been like child’s birthday parties. Although I must admit I really hate wedding favors.

    I’ve been to all kinds of weddings. My favorites are generally the small, intimate weddings. I did go to a three day camping wedding once which was pretty awesome too!

    Yes, I think one should be able to properly host one’s wedding guests whether there are five, 50 or 500. This is not rocket science. And by “properly” I don’t mean it has to be expensive or lavish.

    I don’t understand what you mean by, “to heck what the bride wants.” As far as I’m concerned, the bride only gets a maximum of 50% vote. She is getting married to SOMEONE, yes? You sound like you think a wedding is a birthday party for the BRIDE.

    And yes, it’s horribly rude for the BRIDE to “have a shower.” Someone has it FOR HER. And yes, generally only wedding guests are invited. Receiving a shower invitation is nothing more than a gift solicitation and you DO NOT solicit gifts from people you are excluding from the actual event.

    You do not send a wedding announcement until the wedding has occurred. I’ve seen quite a few engagements NOT result in a marriage. There is no call for a “we’re planning to get married” announcement unless you plan to invite that person to the wedding. Then you send a “save the date” card. The only people who need to know you’re PLANNING on getting married are the people you’re close enough to to invite. The world does not revolve around YOU.

    I hate to say it, but you’ve got great bridezilla potential.

    ETA: No where in your post do you express ANY concern for the groom. It’s all about what the BRIDE wants. And I’ll guarantee you that if you had multiple showers with guests that were NOT invited to the wedding, not all of them came with “happy hearts.” Quite a few of them were rolling their eyeballs and gossiping about your tackiness.

    Posted by BBG | August 1, 2013, 4:35 am
  2. BBG & Ashley D have said it all perfectly……proper wedding etiquette has developed over the years for d@mn good reasons….it WORKS!

    Posted by The Original GarnetGlitter | August 1, 2013, 5:02 am
  3. I been to a surprise wedding where the couple invited people to go to a certain place at a time
    Most people assume they were announcing there engagement or something like that
    Well, to the shock of the guest, the couple had an justice of peace and got married there
    It’s was kind of like eloping(true eloping where the couple do not tell people), but it was a wedding they wanted with their family and friends.

    Your wedding could be anything you want

    Posted by Halo Mom | August 1, 2013, 5:31 am
  4. I’m sorry you have ideas that come off as so inconsiderate to other people. It comes down to not having it both ways — if you want a small, private wedding, then your guest list should be proportionally small. If you’re not willing to entertain and bless a lot of guests on your wedding day, why should they buy you stuff? It just doesn’t make sense. You are lucky to have so many generous friends and family. It remains to be seen how close your relationship will be with them in years to come. It’s simply wrong to invite them to a gift grab that is a shower but exclude them from the guest list.

    I’m sorry you would rather get an announcement from someone before the fact. Most people would feel hurt to receive a note that said, “We’re having a wedding, and want you to know, but we don’t think enough of you to invite you, so send us a gift anyway.” Plus, by being sent in advance, if it says, “Suzanne and Clarence plan to get married on May 4, 2013 at St. Ignatius Church,” someone might confuse it for an invitation, as it’s so strange to receive something with information about an event in advance that is NOT an invitation. So you’d almost have to clarify *you’re not invited, just so you know. See how that just doesn’t work out?

    If you wanted to celebrate with people not attending your small wedding, you could have had a brunch, luncheon, dinner party, cocktails, pizza, or whatever that was not a shower/gift grab. Inviting people to a shower for no apparent reason is what’s like a child’s birthday party.

    Posted by amyhpete | August 1, 2013, 6:13 am
  5. “After reading alot of advice and posts on wedding etiquette, I have come to the conclusion that weddings for most people have turned into children’s birthday parties”

    I see that actually going to weddings isn’t part of your evidence gathering process. I’ve come to the conclusion that your reasoning sucks.

    ” Its all about entertaining the guests and to heck with what the bride wants!”

    Further evidence in support of my conclusion.

    Posted by swbarnes2 | August 1, 2013, 6:43 am
  6. Well, first, the reception is the couple’s way of thanking your guests for attending your wedding. So, of course, your are entertaining your guests. Not sure why anyone would have a problem with that.

    There is nothing wrong with having a small private wedding and you are not an awful person. Anyone who would complain about not being invited to your small wedding are just plain rude.

    Yes, a shower to to celebrate and give the bride gifts. That is why you don’t invite anyone who is not invited to the wedding. A shower is an obligatory gift giving event and you don’t ask anyone to celebrate an event they are not invited to. It just looks like a gift grab.

    Announcements are to let people know of an event that has happened. You don’t send birth announcements before the baby is born. People can be confused if the announcement is sent before the wedding. It appears to be an invitation. I eloped and we sent announcements after we got back and told our parents.

    From reading your details, it sounds like you had a small private wedding and some people had a problem with they way you handled things. Perhaps if you had paid attention the proper etiquette from the beginning, people wouldn’t have thought of you as an “awful person.”

    Posted by joinme4coffee | August 1, 2013, 7:37 am
  7. Unlike what you may think:

    1- Weddings ARE family events, not just want the “bride” wants. Is the bride marrying herself?
    2- Receptions ARE indeed for entertaining guests, if you don’t want to entertain anyone, then don’t have a reception.
    3-Showers are for CLOSE family members and a handful of friends to give you a little something to help you start your household. They are NOT giant gift-grabs where everyone in town is invited because you feel entitled to a gift. It may be what “you want” but it is not reality,
    4- It is like a birth announcement: you announce that the child was born on x day and weigthed X, not before because it has not happen. It would be rude and also be seen as solicitation.

    You can’t have it both ways: you can’t have a big wedding, then have a small one with a small shower to match. send announcement afterwards, because that how it is socially acceptable. otherwise it would be a slap in the face and be seen as solicitation of gifts. It seems like all you care about is the gifts that you may be missing out. Have some class, it goes a long way.

    Good luck

    Posted by Blunt | August 1, 2013, 7:51 am
  8. well some wedding when people you want it private

    Posted by Samantha Alexander | August 1, 2013, 8:35 am
  9. Whether children or adults, it is the comfort and convenience of guests and not gratifying ones own personal preferences that is the rule for all but the rudest of hosts.

    The bride is not the only stakeholder here; the groom and both families are also stakeholders. If the family regards weddings as valuable opportunities for the entire family to gather then there should be some very good reason to take their fun away from them. “Family isn’t offering to help pay for it” might be a good reason to have a tiny wedding, or “We must marry within the next 3 weeks.” But “It’s not what I want and I’m the bride” is not.

    Traditionally a shower is short very casual get together in somebody’s basement rec room with an attractive door prize for one lucky guest at the end. It happens because some circle of the bride’s acquaintance that does NOT expect to attend the wedding wants to celebrate too, for example the bride’s bowling league or the neighbors in her apartment building might give her a shower.

    An elegant meal provided on the bride’s behalf by her family, the groom’s family, or her attendants should properly be a Bridal Tea or Bridal Luncheon and not involve mandatory gifting. We can thank The Wedding Industry for promoting this confusion that has ruined both the casual fun of showers and the exquisite sumptuousness of the Bridal Luncheon.

    The notion that wedding hosts are obliged issue invitations to include every guest of every wedding related event is absurd. “Oh that darn Debby Bowler gave my daughter a shower and now I have to invite all 32 members of the bowling league (plus any spouses) to the wedding. How could Debby have been so rude!” Sorry Wedding Industry, but most of us have the common sense to see that this can’t possible be an etiquette rule. Shower hosts and wedding hosts are not expected to get together and coordinate their guest lists; the two events are independent of each other.

    It is not incorrect to share the good news “Virg and Mary are engaged!” nor the good news “Virg and Mary have set the date!” If people think that simply showing them your engagement ring and telling them how happy you are somehow translates to a promise to give them a free champagne supper, then they think wrong. Period. What is wrong is sharing the good news in a way that appears to be fishing for gifts.

    Posted by Resist Wedding Industry LIES | August 1, 2013, 8:46 am

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